MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF AMANDA

My Facebook feed is filled with recipe videos. I don’t cook, but I like to find new things for my husband to cook, so sometimes I watch part of them. It’s incredibly rare to make it all the way to the end. Let me explain.

Food video people are unhinged. Crazy. Possibly a danger to themselves and others. Loco. And they don’t even bother to hide it. First of all, they announce something like this: Here’s a quick and easy summer time dessert. Cool. Except then they mention it eleventy four times.

“Use this quick and easy summertime dessert for all your family gatherings”. as they stir in enough cream cheese to clog a sewer pipe.

“Use this quick and easy summertime dessert, my family loves it!” as they violate several standards of decency and laws of physics by combining twelve ingredients in a bowl the size of my contact lens case, only to then pour it into another bowl they could’ve used in the first place.

“Use this quick and easy summertime dessert when guests arrive” as the people with the nice white coats and rubber bullets arrive to carry them off to the special hospital.

Just today, I saw a woman frying Wonder Bread. I know it was Wonder Bread because she mentioned about twelve times in the eleven seconds I watched. I saw another woman combine FOUR pounds of grapes with sour cream, cream cheese, vanilla, and SUGAR. I hear it’s some big grape salad but all I hear is diabetes. There’s one woman who takes perfectly normal food, and combines it in ways that I’m sure God never intended. Yesterday I saw her combine chocolate chips, candy corn, white chocolate chips and who knows what else on a Blackstone grill to make a “delicious candy treat.” First off, who puts candy on a Blackstone? Secondly, if it has candy corn in it, it is not a delicious treat. It is industrial waste.

Apparently, you can’t make a cooking video without an ice cream scoop and you must click it before you use it. And if something comes in a box, you have to tap ridiculously long finger nails on it. And don’t forget to wag your finger in the old “no-no” gesture, because that makes me want to shove you in the jello box and then into the garbage disposal.

I think some of them do it on purpose…like the people who buy perfectly nice bakery cakes and then scrape all the frosting off just to slap it back on in a hideous, Temu manner. They’re clearly not serious. They can’t be. They just can’t. That would be insane. Or the ones who combine thirteen different things to make an “easy four ingredient meal.”

I miss cookbooks. You never knew what it was gonna look like, but it never took ad breaks and it didn’t click its nails on the boxes. Them’s the good ol’ days. :-)