MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF AMANDA

I think we need a new advice columnist. I think it should be the cranky aunt that tells it like it is and you avoid at family dinners because she has no filter. I’m willing to take on the job.

Here’s what I believe: If you change your Facebook status to “In a relationship” more than twice a year, you should have to go to relationship counseling.

If you post about a messy breakup, and three days later, post that you’re in love with a new man and he’s all the man you ever needed…you need a therapist.

This country needs a department of No. Can we invade (insert name of country here)? No. Can we send some country eleventy four billion dollars for saving their endangered monkey fleas? No. Is it ok if we…No. See? It’s easy and would save a ton of money.

Instead of air marshalls, I think we need Walmart marshalls (WalMarshalls?). These people would bust up the family reunions in the cookie aisle. They’d ticket people who don’t need the motorized carts but take them anyway. If you leave the line “just for a minute” to go get one more thing that’s apparently only sold in a Walmart in the Soviet Union, BAM. You’re busted back to the end of the line and charged double. Make the joke about “no bar code? Must be free!!” and they get to force you to return carts for an hour. Bring two or more feral children? You’re cleaning the bathrooms. And if you don’t return your cart? Well, let’s just say you’ll regret it.

I’m sure there are lots of other things the Ranty Aunty could help with, but for now, I’m just going to take my blood pressure meds and try to relax.