So I spend way too much time on Facebook. I don’t do TikTok, I don’t do Instagram. I’m old and Facebook is my jam. I need to know what that loud noise was, or who is leaving their spouse, or when the next community event might be and I want to READ it, not watch a video.

Except…there’s a new trend about mystery bundles. I will watch those…boy, will I. Would I order one? No. Here’s the deal:

Someone sells a “bundle.” It might be say, 15 capsules or envelopes or bags or drawings. Whatever. And in each of these, there’s a prize. There are gem bundles. Stationery bundles. Spooky bundles. Jewelry bundles. Squishy bundles. I’m sure there are more. So, the person draws the things, and tells what the prize is. And then the gimmick.

Maybe they draw and it’s a “Special gold super awesome” pick or you get to spin a wheel, or it’s an additional spin/prize/bundle thing. The coolest one I’ve seen makes special custom things, like a canvas tote with maybe a picture of a dog like yours on it, or a giant paperclip with your favorite flower. Most of them just draw and throw what is generally a Temu quality prize in a box. Maybe you get extras or “free gifts” when in reality, you’ve paid $50 for $12.56 worth of junk you could’ve bought yourself, PLUS you’ve paid another fee to have it drawn on Facebook. Those, I can watch. It’s not my problem if people overpay. It’s the other kind that makes me crazy…the ASMR type.

I don’t know why ASMR became such a thing. All I know is that random noises make me want to commit a violence, and if you have long tappy nails, I’m DYING to hit you with some clippers. These videos are nuts.

First, they open a box with freakishly exaggerated movements. They fluff the filler with way more emphasis and rhythm than is necessary. They spray what appears to be two squirts of expense perfume in the box, although for all I know they’re spraying Raid in there. Then they draw as dramatically as possible for the prizes. Then, they open them and ring a bell or tap their nails on the paper. Then they go and get the prize. Let’s say, in this example, it’s miniature purse, which I also don’t understand. They tap the box it’s in. They tap the purse and turn it 400 times so the light hits it. They dramatically open each section and show the inside of the bag. Then they reverse the process and put it in a box. Time to draw prize 2.

Say this prize is post-it notes. Yes, post-it notes. You must tap them, then fan the pages out so everyone can see it’s more than one post-it. Same goes for journals. You have to tap the cover, open it and fan through the blank pages. Dolls or squishies must be squeezed. Any sort of light must be turned on and it must shine on at least three other prizes. Jewelry must be polished as dramatically as possible. Nails must always be tapped.

So. If I want post-it notes, I’m gonna hit Amazon or Walmart and get three packs of those bad boys for four bucks. Same for pens. Might even get crazy and hit the Temu website, where I can get an envelope the size of a car door full of crap brought right to my house, with zero nail tapping. Who knows? I’ve hit that age where I won’t remember what I ordered by the time it gets here, so it’s a mystery bundle by then.

The one thing I refuse to do is tap my nails.