MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF AMANDA

It’s Friday night. The weather is balmy. The work week is over. And I’m headed to Walmart because being an adult is horrible. I have a shopping list for my house and for my husband’s uncle, who lives in assisted living. I can do this.

HA! I hadn’t even made it all the way to the store before my ears were assaulted by …music? I don’t know, but it was loud. So loud the guy had to roll all four windows down, because if all that had kept bumping around inside, his car might’ve exploded. If only.

I managed to get across the cross walk without losing life or limb and go into the store. It’s chaos. Tonight must’ve been bring your sugar-addled child to Walmart night, because there were SO MANY feral children in there, I felt like I should have been staring a TNR program: Trap, Neuter and release, like for feral cats. I’m still not convinced it’s a bad idea. Kids were grabbing carts and cutting across aisles and throwing things in the carts and fussing at their parents, and these kids must’ve all been seeing impaired because they almost ran right into me, and believe me, I’m easy to see. And then they’d glare at me, for having the audacity.

One family of three, all adults, managed to block an entire double-wide aisle all by themselves. As I stood politely waiting to get by, they rearranged their cart, discussed the clearance bakery section, added some sausage or something, and I think maybe filed their taxes and wrote their local congress person. Then when the finally saw me (again, I’m a large girl and I am EASY to see) they acted all surprised that I was there. Maybe they thought it was their personal time to shop there alone?

I made it to the pharmacy section, because Uncle believes everything he sees on tv about vitamins and supplements, and he needed some Super Beets!! At least he wasn’t asking for the Total T testosterone supplements again. He also needs melatonin, but ONLY the 1 mg kind. It’s easy to be picky when you personally are in a recliner watching tv while someone else chooses your milligrams. Anyway, what seemed like the entire pharmacy section was restocking, all on the same aisle. And don’t think they’re gonna move for a mere customer, either. Walmart, if you’re listening, it’s time. Go back to being open 24 hours again.

And finally, check out! I’m the devil possessed person who uses Walmart plus and checks myself out on my phone. I used to be a cashier and trust me, I’d have kissed the feet of people who did the self checkout instead of bothering me. I’m so old, self-checkout didn’t exist when I was a Walmart cashier, much less checking out on your phone. Trust me, sometimes the good ol’ days weren’t that good. Anyway, I get me all checked out, packed in my own bags the way I want it, and head to the car.

Where I encountered a lady wearing the giant Princess Leia style headphones in the parking lot. That’s asking to be hit by a Buick. You have to use all your senses. Head on a swivel out there. I also question the intelligence (or self preservation instincts) of the people who cross the parking lot at Walmart without looking first. I simply don’t have that kind of faith in my fellow man.

There is a mystery I’d like help solving. Why on earth do people back into the diagonal parking spots on one way aisles? Maybe they’re just pulling all the way through from the other side. But why? If you leave the parking lot the way you’re pointed, you’ll be going the wrong way. If you go the right way, you’ll have to swing way out so you don’t hit the car next to you. There’s no benefit unless you’re simply too dumb to park.

Help me solve the mystery…please!