MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF AMANDA

Tonight, on Unsolved Mysteries: Pets Edition, we investigate a case so cold, so calculating, so evil, that many of you will sleep with one eye open. You’ve been warned.

Picture this: an innocent lady, sleeping the sleep of someone who has a sinus infection and has slept six hours in two days because she coughs every time she drifts to sleep. It’s time to wakey wakey but she’s not interested. Suddenly, a gigantic iPad drops, corner first, onto her head. She is startled, and wants to go back to sleep, but A, the alarm is going off and B, you’re not supposed to go to sleep if you have a concussion and she just got clocked with a four pound iPad. How did this happen? Who’s the guilty party? Let us review, from mostly likely innocent to most likely guilty.

The other people in the house: Cary and Hunter. Cary was asleep, and Hunter was on the other side of the house. Verdict: Innocent.

Lillie and Emmy: These two were sleeping on the couch. They couldn’t have been in the room, because if they’d been in the bedroom they’d have been on the bed. They couldn’t have been on the bed, because I could move my legs with the attempted unalive-ment occurred, and that’s simply not possible if they’re in the bed. Verdict: Innocent.

Tango: Tango is old and weighs less than the iPad. He also rarely climbs on to the headboard where the iPad sleeps. He prefers my pillow. Verdict: Innocent

Phoenix: Phoenix is certainly large enough to have done it, but generally prefers to hang around the faucets just in case someone turns on the water. Heaven forbid he drink out of the fountain I ordered just for the cats. Verdict: Probably Innocent.

Molly: Molly prefers to sleep inside the headboard, but she also looks at me like I’m stealing HER man, when in fact, the man in question is actually married to me, not her. She is also known. to smack people in the head when she doesn’t get her way. Verdict: Maybe Innocent

Trixie: Trixie, full name Trixie Belle the Cat from Hell, would certainly not balk at taking me out if that’s what the voices told her to do. Just yesterday, she sat on poor Tango because he sat in the spot she wanted. She has, however, trained me and only me to give her a can of wet food at 5:20 everyday and she might not be willing to train one of the other thumb owners in the house. Verdict: Possibly Guilty.

Butterbean: This gorgeous fluff ball hasn’t had a thought in her head as far as we know in the whole four years we’ve owned her. She is well known for getting the zoomies across the bed and headboard and was present in the bedroom after the incident. She also likes to swat stuff off the headboard, apparently in the interest of science. My little gravity-studying girl…Verdict: Almost certainly guilty.