MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF AMANDA

I love the lake. That is, I love being ON the lake. If you put me in the water, when I get out, you’re going to be sorry. And don’t splash my face. Ick. Nonetheless, there’s nothing I like better than floating around and taking pictures of all the crazy wildlife. Just last night, we saw ospreys, eagles, deer, herons, egrets, lots of misc birds and some bugs. I love all those critters.

We’re fortunate to have our own boat…that we bought TWICE. See, we got a pontoon boat, and then sold our Alumacraft because we didn’t need it anymore. Then our son stopped wanting to go with us, and we wanted to go to a smaller lake, and we decided we’d start looking for a smaller boat. Then one day, the man comes in and asks, “Were you serious about wishing we could have our old boat back?” Turns out he’d found it listed for sale an hour or so away…so we bought it back. Then we sold the pontoon because we didn’t need IT anymore. We’re wild and crazy like that. And possibly demented.

Down in the Pineywoods, lake culture is a culture all its own. For example, women hardly ever drive the boat. Clearly, that requires more testosterone than women possess. Women can occasionally back up the truck, but only if their husband trained them, and it is a mark of excellence (on the man’s part, of course) to possess such a spouse. I am way too uncoordinated for that, so I’ve developed a skill set I’ve yet to see duplicated on these redneck boat ramps: I can unload and load the boat. I even had one hillbilly ask his friend “Is a GIRL unloading that boat?” Like, duh.

I’ve spent many a day at the boat ramp, trembling on behalf of the wives who are trying to back trailers into the water for husbands who have clearly been drinking more than water. When I was trying to learn, I made my husband call me on the phone so he wasn’t yelling at me from the boat. We were twenty feet away from each other and talking on the phone. Bless you, AT&T and Cricket. You saved a marriage.

Finally, here are the rules I’ve noticed my husband uses to fish. Notice I said, “Fish” not “Catch” if you catch my drift.

1. Make all the noise you want. Apparently, he thinks fish are deaf.

2. Hot coffee is an acceptable drink on the boat even if the temps are in the low 100s.

3. Speed? Heck, yeah.

4. The more you stare blankly at the GPS/Fish Finder thingy, the more you pretend you know what you’re doing.

5. Make up any animal you want. I’m too blind to see it. The Loch Ness Monster? Over there by the bank? Yeah, sure, why not.

6. Fish will never, under any circumstances, bite if you are in the shade. You must be in the hottest sun, with the least amount of breeze, and you must never ever have the slightest bit of shade.

7. You must never ever stop to think that you’re here-menopausal wife might be spontaneously combusting in the back of the boat.

8. When you do notice her skin is smoking and starting to char, you must act surprised and ask why she didn’t tell you she was hot. Apparently, it’s not so hot twelve feet away in the front of the boat.

Hey, whatever floats your boat.