MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF AMANDA

If anybody heard what sounded like an explosion within five miles of my house last night, don’t worry. It was just my husband sneezing. And sneezing. And sneezing.Jets fell from the skies. Birds migrated early. Dogs howled. Cats trembled. People posted the local Facebook groups about tannerite, and sirens went off. Somewhere in the distance, a scientist noted the odd readings and noted the higher ratings on the Richter scale.

It was….the man sneeze.

Y’all have all heard it. Some guy starts to twitch and then instead of a polite “Achoo” he unleashes the fury of Poseidon and screams ” AAAAAAHHHHCHOOOOOOOOO!” My husband is a man sneezer. Worse, he has allergies so the sneezes are constant and interspersed with nose blowing that not even sperm whales could hope to rival. I don’t understand.

He has nose spray. He has one of those Navage nose rinser things, and special liquid to put into it. We have a six month supply of Claritin and he has access to enough Benadryl to down a rhino. I just don’t understand. For all I know, he’s allergic to one of those things and that’s why it’s so bad.

I have very sensitive ears. I swear sometimes I think he’s made them bleed sneezing four inches from me. He wakes me up at night. Do you know how terrifying it is to hear an explosion next to you in the bed? Very, that’s how terrifying it is. And then, just as I drift off, it’s another explosive sneeze or the nose blows. And then he can’t sleep so he wants to watch a video on his phone. While. I. Am. Trying. To. Sleep.

And what does he say? He can’t help it. I call bull. I can sneeze without screaming. Most of the population can sneeze without screaming. Most of the animal kingdom can sneeze without sounding like a wounded wildebeest. Someday, when I finally snap, you can use this blog post as evidence and the judge will set me free without prejudice.

Unless, of course, he’s a man sneezer too.