MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF AMANDA

“In the cat justice system, the pets are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the wife, who brings them home and begs to keep them, and the husband, who secretly wants them to go away. These are their stories.

We have cats. Six of them, in fact, all inside. They are also known as “the usual suspects.” Here’s a breakdown of the prisoners:

Tango – orange tabby – 13 years old. Found at the factory I worked at, age approximately six weeks. He lives to make biscuits on the side of my neck and slobber on my chin. He’s blind in one eye due to a cataract, but the vet said it’s ok as long as he’s only in the house.

Phoenix – black fuzzy behemoth – approximately 7 years old. Adopted from the local animal shelter. Possibly part Maine Coon, as he weighs 20 lbs and has fur three inches long. The least aggressive male cat on the planet.

Trixie Belle the Cat From Hell – black panther in mini form – 6 years old. She was a neighborhood cat till she figured out it was easier to serve time at our house. The traditional “three hots and a cot” apply here. Born feral and still has impulses. Calls Sarah McLachlan to sing if I don’t put wet food in the bowl at exactly five pm.

Butterbean – orange tabby floof – approximately four years old. Some people asked us to foster her, and we did. By the time they said they didn’t want her, we had already decided we did. She has had exactly no thoughts since then. Has earned her place because the person we got her from was dating my husband’s ex-girlfriend. She gave him the cat and that’s just too good a story to pass up.

Molly – brown tabby – approximately four years old according to the vet. Found her in the warehouse. She’s a total love bug but will beat you up if you don’t give her attention. She’s kind of the Ike Turner of the bunch. She has adopted our newest inmate and can frequently be found holding the kitten down to groom her.

Allie – tortoiseshell – approximately nine months old. Also found at work, shivering and hungry in the parking lot. She convinced my husband to keep her by curling up next to him to sleep. Total diva who never shuts up. Can’t help but love her.

So, those are the inmates. Every morning, I get up and go see what crimes have been committed over night. Typical crimes include:

Vandalism: Tango is old and refuses to use the fancy automatic litterbox. Currently, his favorite place to go is in front of our fireplace. I’ve resorted to puppy pads. I can’t tell if he’s old and senile, or old and entitled or just a jerk. They also love to hack up a nice juicy hairball and leave it where I’ll step. They especially love to do this when one of them has stolen my house shoe and I’m barefoot.

Slander: Trixie and Allie frequently proclaim loudly to the world that they haven’t been fed in eleventy three years, even though there is a layer of food three inches deep in their bowl.

Criminal Mischief: Allie is addicted to shredding toilet paper. We try to keep it out of reach, but, man, that cat can jump.

Burglary: Butterbean is obsessed with the little rubber ties you use for computer cords. Allie is obsessed with Q-tips. And someone keeps stealing my house shoes.

Assault: One of these jokes knocked my iPad off the headboard onto my head while I was sleeping. The big iPad. Made of stone, or at least that’s how it felt.

Battery: Trixie will scratch you up if you don’t watch it, and Tango is really jumpy. If you spook him, he’ll burn rubber across whatever part of me is nearest.

Bribery: They show me the fluffy bellies, and they know I can’t resist. I also know they’re going to maul me after bribing me with the belly.

The rehabilitation process for these career criminals is long, and frankly, not going well. But how can you not love those sweet little toe beans and those whiskery smiles??