MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF AMANDA

So, I like cheesy reality shows. I know, it’s a personal failing, but it is what it is. My current favorite is “Married At First Sight,” which is a train wreck where “experts” sort through applicants to find matches, they get married (at first sight!) and then proceed to almost universally annoy me to death for the next few weeks till they divorce. But it’s not on right now, so we’re gonna talk about a different one.

The other one is called “Temptation Island.” They pick a few couples who aren’t sure they’re right for each other, or maybe one wants to marry and one doesn’t. There’s almost always one couple where someone has cheated and they want to test themselves. They’re dropped on a tropical island, with separate “villas” for the men and women. Then they take a whole bunch of single people and drop them in, too. So, to recap, these couples are having problems and they believe the logical step is to see if they can “survive” weeks on a tropical island in skimpy clothes with a bunch of single people who want to…well, we’ll say “date.”

What could possibly go wrong?

Each couple starts with rules. Maybe the rule is no touching, or no kissing, or no person of the opposite sex in their bedroom. These rules last approximately twelve seconds. Just long enough for the host, Mark Walberg, (Not THAT one) to clear the villa. Then, after watching all of the singles try to seduce their significant other in front of them with cheeky words (I’m a personal trainer, and I’m going to train YOU to do what I want.) they go to the villas, get roaring drunk and choose singles to go on dates with.

So, skimpy clothes, lots of alcohol and single people determined to make you break up? Sounds like a winner. See, here’s my thing. I’ve been married to my husband 22 and a half years. He says he’s never cheated and I believe him; he is the worst liar on the planet, plus he sings like a canary if you look at him the right way. He once confessed to killing Jimmy Hoffa just so I’d stop. But if he’s been on a diet for six months, maybe taking him to a buffet and telling him he can only have salad isn’t the best move. And these couples don’t have 22 years…they have on average, maybe three. If you can’t decide in three years, you should probably just go on about your business elsewhere.

Another wrinkle is the bonfire. Every so often, they take the people who are part of the couples to a bonfire, where they show a brief clip of something that happened with their partner since the last bonfire. Sometimes it’s a guy saying he loves his girl, or a girl saying her man isn’t enough, or in season three, it’s a guy saying a threesome doesn’t disrespect his relationship because it wasn’t emotional. (I’d have provided an alibi if his girlfriend had killed him for that and I don’t even know her.). Then, at the end of the day”experiment” they all get dressed up and decide how they’re leaving: with their original partner, alone, or with a new partner. This gets…heated occasionally, but let’s face it. That’s why I watch it.

If you decide to watch (I don’t really advise it unless you’re hella bored) here are the most important terms to know.

Vibes / Vibing: This indicates that spiritually and emotionally a couple is on the same wavelength. Usually uttered to a woman in a thong that wouldn’t even make good dental floss while they’re both stone drunk, and in “Yo, babe, we vibin’!”

Connection: Everybody wants a connection. A spiritual one. A physical one. A mental one. If you are vibing, you have a connection. I cannot believe I just typed that.

Situationship: This is a newer phrase, and because I’m old, I’m not entirely familiar and I’m too scared of Urban Dictionary to look it up. I think it means a relationship that isn’t based on love but on other things, like money, or habit, or possession of a llama. I dunno.

Journey: everybody in the freakin’ world is on a journey of some sort, and I’m starting to wish they’d just stay home.

That’s all I have for now- I’m suffering brain rot from binge watching Season 3. Disclaimer: If you watch this and your brain gives up, you can’t blame me. You were warned.